So Much For My Happy Ending
by AdamPascalFan
Summary: It's Senior year and Sue has a new fail-proof plan to destory Will Schuester.  And Shelby Corcoran is just the person to help her do it. Spoilers of the casting variety for season 3. Will be AU in like two minues we're sure.  Co-written with Spookykat
1. Chapter 1

This was it.

This was the day she would finally get to document in her journal that today she finally conquered Will Schuester.

True, it wasn't on par with taking out Noriega with one well-placed kick in the _cojones_, but when she took stock of her life's accomplishments, this would most certainly rank in the top five. The defeat of New Directions, and by extension, Will Schuester fell somewhere between bringing about the cancellation of _M*A*S*H_ (because really, there is nothing funny about horrendously bad television and Alan Alda was more annoying than the case of crabs he gave her after a night unbridled hate-sex), and the time she convinced one Monica Lewinsky that a certain blue dress would in fact be easy to clean if she ever happened to stain it. If only destroying the soul of Will Schuester wasn't so easy, it might have cracked the top three.

As it was, she had to give points for difficulty and per usual William and his band of barely functioning Sesame Street Muppets had walked right into her plan with open arms. All this time, and they still naïvely thought she would actually remember vague never-meant promises about concentrating on things other than destroying their depressingly low-rent walking United Colors of Benetton ad.

She snorted to herself as she crossed her arms in front of her favorite triumphant black tracksuit with gold piping. She had also promised not to toss her Nazi hunting mother into a home at the first opportunity and that lasted all of three minutes. Her mother was currently locked away in the highest security nursing home for the criminally insane Thailand could provide. Promises were only meant to be kept so long as it was more entertaining to keep them. And quite frankly given the depressing state of network television, Schuester should count himself lucky she only held off until Shark Week ended.

Looking around the room of what Sue naturally assumed were illiterate inbred losers and the cousins who bred them, she had to admit this little singing competition was better attended than she had thought it would be. Sure, she had attended at least two in the past, but naturally those crowds and been present to see her. Apparently there were people who actually attended these things because they _liked_ show-choir. Of course, these were often the same people who attended Star Trek conventions and thought figure-skating was an actual sport and they were all losers. And most of them were fat. _Note to self_, Sue quickly scanned the crowd not bothering to keep the contempt off her face, _quarantine these people and make sure there is no chance of their genes continuing on. This failure of Darwin's theory must not be allowed to continue. _

If everything was going according to plan, (and why wouldn't it? Everything else had) then right now, William was watching his every pathetic dream going up in smoke for a second time in his miserable life. The trouble she had brewed would be bubbling over to the breaking point. Friends were becoming enemies. Paranoia would be at an all time high. Relationships destroyed with a single word. She couldn't wait until this current group of singing losers finished so she could go backstage and retrieve her tape of the green room. Trust and optimism were ground to a bloody pulp. It was a lesson that would serve them well in live and one Scheuster should've learned a long time ago. _Failure: The Butt-Chin Story_ was going to be the feel-good movie of the year. Kirk Cameron had already been contacted about playing the lead.

The last time she was this excited, she had just found out canons were completely customizable.

The applause shook her out of her anticipatory triumph. Why were they all clapping? There was nothing worth applauding. There were no flips, no triple tucks, no somersaulting through a flaming hoop. All those kids did was stand there and sing. It was the tendency to reward mediocrity like this that made people like William Schuester think he was actually accomplishing something. And that thinking had lasted for far too long. It was time for someone to take a stand and say "No! That sucks! You suck! And everyone who took part in it deserves to be put to death."

Per usual, it was up to her. Again.

As the emcee, the local boozehound D-list actor the organizers had sprung from rehab that morning because clearly no one worth any actual attention would host a national show-choir championship, practically staggered back on the stage, Sue glanced down at her program. The slow, superior smile that always came when she knew her Cheerios were the best team on the field crept up her face. In mere seconds, the fruits of her year-long plan were finally ripe for the picking.

"Ladies and gentlemen….from Lima, Ohio…please welcome the McKinley High New Directions." Boozey McGee tilted his head and blinked a little. "New Directions… that sounds a lot like…"

The band kicked up even louder to cover up what every 8th grader had figured out years before glee club was even a piece of crud in William's eye. Sue settled back into her chair, resting her chin on the points of her fingers. Now it was time to enjoy the show.


	2. Chapter 2

There was a time when Christmas was Will Schuester's favorite time of year. Then the divorce happened and all the songs about Christmas Joy and the 'hap-happiest season,' complete with sarcastic air-quotation marks just…made him want to find the nearest bridge and jump off it.

So he got a new favorite time of the year: the first day of school.

True, it would be mostly a day of repeating the syllabus that he knew by heart five times and signing forms and trying to learn the new faces and trying to keep the older kids in line, but in the afternoon, he'd have the first Glee Club meeting.

They were finally going take Nationals this year. He could feel it in his bones.

Most of all, though, he couldn't wait to see Emma, so when he saw her in a break-room eating her usual crust-less sandwich, he decided to grab his lunch from his desk and sit down.

"Will, hey!" she greeted as soon as she saw him, shooting up out of her seat to give him a warm hug. Then she stepped back. "Fancy seeing you here! I mean, not really since we both…work here…but…wow, it's been a really long time." The awkward pause that followed was worse than when Sandy Ryerson walked into the breakroom after Chris Hansen caught him on _To Catch a Predator_.

"So how was your summer?" Will asked as they sat down.

"Oh, Will it was amazing! So you know those terrible tornadoes they had in the South this summer?"

Will nodded.

"Well, my church group sent a bunch of us to help with the clean-up!"

"That had to have been really rewarding helping out all those people."

"That and oh my GOD, will, the cleaning-products! Trucks filled with anti-septic, streak-free glass cleaner and enough bleach to…I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it. So," she sat back down. "Enough about me. What about you? How was your summer?"

"Well, I decided to take some time for me and work on myself. I changed all my Journey eight-track tapes to regular tapes."

"You do realize that most people use mp3s now, right? And that Rachel has banned any further use of Journey songs this year? Plus, you pretty much ran through their entire Greatest Hits album."

Will nodded. "Yeah, but she's graduating after this year, so I figure, who knows how much longer my eight-track player will last, so I figured better safe than sorry, right?"

"Anything else?"

"I know that dancing hasn't always been my strong-suit and Mike was working at Asian Camp again, so I wound up brushing up on my dance moves by watching old classic videos of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, MC Hammer, and Vanilla Ice."

"Well, good for you. Dancing's great exercise."

Will smiled as Emma picked a grape from out of her lunch container and popped it in her mouth without a second thought. She had made so much progress since she and Carl split up and he was so proud of her.

"So, any ideas for New Directions this year?" Emma chirped cheerfully.

"Last year we put together some great numbers and we made it all the way to Nationals on original songs, but you know, from great strife comes great songs, and I just feel like this year, with Sue on our side and Kurt back with us, and since I gave Finn a copy of _'Where Did I Come From?' _complete with illustrations for Christmas last year, hopefully that will take care of any pregnancy drama getting in our way, I have a pretty good feeling about high this year. We've found our voice. Now, we just need to find the perfect songs to showcase it."

"So did you hear about the new home-ec teacher?"

"New home-ec teacher?" Will echoed. "What happened to Ms. Hagbert?"

"She was fine one day, the next, she's on life-support in ICU. They think it was salmonella poisoning, but…" she shrugged. "They're really not sure."

"That's awful! We should send her a card."

"Ok, but you're licking the envelope. I've made progress, Will, but who knows where those cards have been. I've got to go, " she said, gathering her trash and wiping off the table. "But I'll see you around. Have a good first day!"

Will sighed, but wasn't alone for more than a few minutes before Coach Beiste's voice boomed across the breakroom. "Will! Howdy! Stranger!"

"Hey Shannon! Good summer?"

"Oh, you know, same old, same old. Have you got a minute? I need to talk to you about something."

Will nodded and offered her a seat.

"It's already started, Will. I can't have a team that doesn't trust each other. Hudson, Puckerman, Chang, all those guys are good players but Hudson's still Quarterback and he's earned the position, but now, I'm not so sure. All your Glee kids will listen to him, but if Karofsky and his cronies have their way, they'd let Hudson get sacked every play, and I don't know about you, but I am NOT about to let drama stop my team this year."

"What's already started?"

"You remember the shit with your Glee boys and my jocks last year?"

Will nodded. How could he forget? It was the first time he'd ever had to try to break up an actual fight in the choir room.

"What do you have in mind, Shannon?"

"First day of school and not a slushie in sight," Tina said as she walked to homeroom with Mercedes. "Did they actually get rid of that slushy machine?"

"I don't know, but I've got a few extra outfits in my bag just in case," Kurt said. "Granted, the bullying was better at the end of last year after Karofsky saw the light, but I expect that particular change of heart to last about as long as a Hollywood marriage."

Then, as if on cue, a cherry-flavored iceberg hit his face and ran down his neck.

"Old habits die hard, Homo," Azimio said, high-fiving Karofsky, who wasn't really laughing, but wasn't exactly apologizing either.

"Nothing personal," Karofsky murmured as he walked away.

Kurt was fuming. It was _supposed_ to be better this year.

His step-brother was the head quarterback and he was head-over-heels in love. With a guy. Who actually loved him back.

And now that Schue finally got the memo that Rachel and Finn weren't the only ones with talent, he might actually get a shot at a solo or two when it counted.

But regardless of how much better some areas in his life had gotten, some things, he realized as he wiped Red Dye Number 40 off his face in the bathroom, would never change.


	3. Chapter 3

"But it's completely perfect. Not only in a classic musical comedy sense but…."

"Rachel, no." Kurt attempted to silence the brunette with a simple wave of his hand. Lauren was thankful Hummel hadn't let his relationship status turn him into a lovesick moron who agreed with Rachel that creating a glee club written musical was not only the best way to catch everyone up on what happened over summer vacation but also was a sure fire fundraiser for their return trip to Nationals this year. After all it was bad enough Puckerman had agreed with the annoying songbird and was apparently writing five songs for it as they waited for Schuester to show up. Oh he thought she didn't know but she had seen he try to slip that dippy horse covered diary (A gift from his sister her ass. And journals were so not "more bad ass." It was a diary) back into his bag when she cornered him at lunch.

If he wasn't so cute and made such an excellent viewing partner for _The Bachelorette_ (really the way he had predicted how the last five rose ceremonies would go was more than a little creepy), Puckerman would have found himself minus one Lauren Zizes. However she would be lying if she said she didn't want to know exactly how his current ballad "_I'm Not Pussy Whipped_" was going to turn out.

"Kurt, given what you were up to over vacation I hardly think you're one to criticize!" Rachel shot back as she stuck her hands on her hips, seemingly immune to rather spectacular bitchface Hummel was shooting in her direction. Lauren had to give the girl props on ignoring that. She was willing to bet there were more than few state champs in the wrestling circuit that would be stopped in their tracks if Hummel trained that stare on them.

"What Hummel was up to was doing Garbler Eyebrows and we all know it." Santana responded smoothly, her eyes never leaving the file she was dragging across her nails. It hadn't surprised Lauren any to hear what had led up to Kurt's transfer to Dalton last year. Any school that allowed Santana Lopez to carry a nail file everyday had some questionable loopholes in its discipline policy to start with. "And it's called Facebook, Midget. Learns how to use it and we won't need to bother with this musical bullshit."

"Sleep on the wrong side of someone's bed last night Santana?" Kurt enquired with a simple arch of his eyebrow.

"Still a virgin Donna Martin?" Santana shot right back.

"I thought you were talking to Kurt." Brittany looked around the room, her finger pointing at all 12 members assembled in the room, clearly trying to figure out who was named Donna. After apparently assuring herself she did in fact know who all was with her, the blonde tilted her head in Santana's direction. "Is Donna your imaginary friend? Lord Tubbington has one of those. He's a bird named Pavarotti. But I think he and Lord Tubbington had a fight. They haven't been hanging out together in a long time."

Mike opened his mouth, most likely to try and correct Brittany but Tina just put her hand on his knee and shook her head no. Upon seeing Mike promptly close his mouth, Lauren leaned over and offered Tina her fist to bump. Anyone who could keep their man in line like that deserved respect in Lauren's book.

"Bonding is an essential component for any team that wants to win Nationals." Rachel's voice regrettably stopped the always entertaining bitchfest that was Santana and Kurt. Lauren may have spent a lot of her free time watching the LOGO channel just so she could understand the references those two used to insult each other with. She was willing to bet more than just the members of New Directions would be aware of Santana's lady preferring ways if they bothered to look up even half the stuff she said instead of being afraid of razor blades in the hair.

"Baby Diva, if this team was any more bonded we'd be a horrible teen soap" Mercedes stood up from her chair in a neon green and blue hoodie she had seen Hummel try to throw away at lunch. Mercedes put her hands on Rachel's shoulders, tilting her head to the side. "Besides if we do this musical idea of yours, Finn might try the walking the hallways in his underwear trick again and that's something we don't need to see again."

"It was supposed to help with my confidence." Finn protested. "It was working."

"Working all the way to detention." Artie pointed out with a shrug.

"You didn't have to compete with Sam. You could stay in your clothes the entire time." Finn protested before casting a guilty look in Mercedes's direction. "Sorry Mercedes."

"Sam moved Finn. He didn't break my heart or anything." Mercedes shrugged off Finn's apology with a wave of her hand. "We went out a few times. His dad got the job back in Tennessee and I'm back to my single and fabulous self. Absolutely nothing to write a musical about."

"I still think you are all overlooking an important factor here…" Under extreme duress, Lauren could admit to liking Rachel, even considering her a friend, but getting the girl to give up an idea was harder than getting Schuester to admit Journey was a fucking joke.

"Let's just vote." Quinn cut in icily. Clearly the summer had done nothing to dull the animosity between the two girls. If they would just handle it like civilized people once and for all and wrestle in pudding like adults, Lauren would finally become the internet celebrity she was destined to be when she posted the video on You Tube. Which reminded her, she needed to check the batteries on the cameras she installed last year. The last thing she needed was to miss out on her destiny because someone trained the camera on that guy who just sat at the piano all the time. "All in favor of ignoring Rachel and concentrating on something that might actually work, raise your hand."

Lauren shot her hand up as did almost everyone in the room, save Rachel and Puck. Turning towards her boyfriend, Lauren narrowed her eyes and hissed at him "Raise your hand."

"But….we Jews have to stick together."

"You singing a song about wearing tights at wrestling camp will not help you regain your title of Bad Ass King." Lauren pointed out. "And don't think I didn't see the one called _After the Last Rose_."

"You said they weren't tights."

"I lied. Now raise your hand or Santana gets a link to your Bachelorette blog. "

Puck finally raised his hand. Quinn smiled in triumph as she turned towards Rachel. "Looks like that's a everyone. Now should we discuss something that might really work?"

"Like coming up with a set list more than a day in advance?" Kurt offered dryly.

"Respect Hummel" Lauren announced proudly, leaning down towards the first row to push Kurt's shoulder.

"Why don't we just jam while we wait for Mr. Schue?" Finn offered.

"Welcome back New Directions." If there was one thing Lauren could give Mr. Schuester credit it for, it was for consistently picking a good time to actually enter the choir room. She lost count of how many times a potentially awesome fight had been defused just because he had unwittingly walked in at the precise right moment. "I hope you all had a restful summer because we have a lot of work to do this year."

Mr. Schue twirled back on his heels, and moved towards his white board. "Now I know we were all sad that Sam had to transfer but he wouldn't want us to let that stop us from taking Nationals this year. Especially when this year Nationals will be held in….." Mr. Schue paused for dramatic effect before writing to letters on the board. "L.A.!"

As the rest of the group clapped and cheered, Lauren wondered if Mr. Schue seriously didn't realize they had all looked this exact piece of information up on the National Show Choir Council official website a month ago.

"If we're going to make it to L.A., we've got to really focus." Mr. Schue continued once the chattering started to die down. "We can't let any drama come into the choir room and distract us from our goal. And we have to figure out a routine so spectacular that no judge in their right minds would deny us first place."

"I have some suggestions that will help us accomplish exactly that Mr. Schue." Rachel announced as she stood up, her plaid skirt swaying as she made her way to the center of the room. "Now fellow Glee Clubbers, even though you wrongly dismissed my idea of a musical, in light of my brilliant suggestion to use original songs last year, I have compiled a list of several topics we should immediately begin writing songs about so as to not be considering songs about cups." Her eyes met Brittany's. "No offense Brittany."

"But you don't have a ball in your hand."

"Rachel, not that your original songs idea wasn't wonderful but I think we need a fresh approach this year. It will be expected from us and we don't want New Directions to become predictable."

"Because sweater-vests have about as much mystery as an episode of Mr. Rogers."

"Sorry to interrupt, Will," an unfamiliar female voice sounded from the doorway. The tension was as thick as nutella, and Lauren didn't miss for a second the way this woman was practically Rachel's twin or the way all the eyes in the room started darting between Rachel, Quinn and Puck.

"Shelby…I mean Ms. Corcororan" Mr. Schuester. "What a…surprise."

Lauren leaned over towards Tina. Clearly Puckerman was going to be useless given the way his mouth was hanging open. "Spill. Who's the cougar in the tight skirt?"

Tina whispered out of the side of her mouth. "Rachel's mom. Former coach of Vocal Adrenaline who gave that job up to adopt Quinn and Puck's baby Beth two years ago."

"Seriously?" Seeing Tina nod, Lauren shook her head. "You guys should have been posting this shit up on Tumblr. It would be the most popular one ever."

"Mom?" Rachel's voice was quieter than Lauren ever remembered hearing it before. "What are you doing here?"

Shelby Corcoran looked nervously around the choir room. The older woman (Who was seriously hot. If Puck wanted to have that conversation about who they would go gay for again, she was so changing her answer to Ms. Corcoron. ) twisted her hand before deciding to address her answer to Mr. Schue and Rachel both.

"I just thought it would be easier for everyone concerned if I came here myself to let you know that I'm the new Home Ec teacher. I didn't want, you know, any awkward moments. Guess I'm too late for that."

Glances flew around the room at the announcement. Rachel, Quinn and Puck were definitely shocked. Mr. Schue looked confused. Everyone else looked concerned but Lauren, who didn't even try to suppress the huge, evil grin that resided on her face.

This was better than pretzel M&M's, Krispy Kreme Donuts (the kind with sprinkles) and Oreo Blizzards combined.

Best. Glee. Practice. Ever.


End file.
